blah.

i dunno what it was... but for some reason, this afternoon i got a whole bunch of axis II (personality disorder) patients. two women who talked my ear off and nearly drowned me in their treacherous oceans of self-pity, and one really, really, really weird dude. the guy wouldn't give me a chief complaint, then clammed up and wouldn't tell me anything because, as he put it, "i'll just wait for the doctor". now, you must understand, as a med student, that's probably one of the most frustrating things to hear... for many reasons. first of all, the reality is that med students will listen to patients much more carefully and for a much longer period of time than any "doctor" ever will... partially because the most valuable resource we can offer is time, as opposed to experience. secondly, those comments just echo whatever measure of self-doubt i harbor as a student, and ultimately serve to undermine the "therapeutic relationship". but most of all, i just felt rejected. nevermind that it was by a nutty sociopath... i try my darnedest to get my patients to like me, and it still bothers me when they don't. yeah... so i have my own issues.

i felt so drained. completely exhausted. i can't imagine having a close family member or friend with a serious psych disorder.... i dunno how these people manage to have ANY close acquaintances. of course, the sad part is, most of them don't. it's days like this that make me fantasize about having my own practice and weeding out the patients i don't wanna see.
i don't wanna sell out, but it sure is tempting sometimes.

studying hard or hardly studying?

cafe flore, san francisco

top 5 moments of the week

5. getting some good feedback from my attendings... my very own sally field moment ("you like me, you really like me!?!")

4. googling my roommate's potential blind date, then laughing hysterically at his headshot for 15 minutes (i know, i'm mean)

3. discovering sacto's farmers' market on sunday mornings, all bustling, vibrant, fresh and cheap

2. finding out that my car is FINALLY outta the shop (german efficiency my A$$! :p)

1. a lively discussion about how lois lane might have reacted to getting knocked up without knowing who the father was, and who exactly is the bitchiest queen on project runway with two lovely psych interns

sac-town blues

today was the first day in a LONG time that i ate all of my meals alone.

i'm lonely already. i miss andy/home. my tolerance/enthusiasm for traveling (solo) has dwindled down to practically nothing. and to think, this is the same girl who flew off to south america alone, four years ago. jeez, i can't even take a road trip up to sacramento without moping. it's so true... relationships change you, make you weak. sigh. anyway, i'm hoping that i'll be able to channel my melancholy into true productivity... so much to do, so much.

when i met my new roommate for the month, i realized that it's been a long time since i've had to meet a new person.. socially, that is. i felt pretty darn weird... i guess it's kinda like riding a bike- you never really forget how to interact with people, but you're pretty wobbly for awhile when you start it up again.

so my neighborhood is in the middle of nowhere, but surrounded by lots of new housing and yuppie shopping centers... kinda like rancho cucamonga. haven't had a chance to really explore sacramento yet, but i'm hoping to see more of the city in my quest for free wifi in coffeeshops. i have to say, it is sorta exciting.... if i am so fortunate as to get a spot up here for residency.... this could be my new home for the next 5 years! sigh. i'm getting ahead of myself. i'm just gonna try to get through this crucial week of first impressions. we'll see where it goes from there.

ah, the good life...

vacation time is priceless. i don't think i knew how much i needed some time off until i got it, and now... after about 2 weeks of pure chill... i am sufficiently slackered-up. sure, i still have things to do-- residency apps, final touches on my senior year schedule, studying for step 2, etc.... but who can really care about such trifles when there are summer tv shows to watch, dvds to rent, and summer sales at the malls? .................. i'm mightily fighting off the jangly, panicky nerves that have propelled me so effectively through the year.

went to mario's place in riverside this week, before andy and i went to sevilla for SALSA lessons. the food: passable with flashes of potential (e.g. rich butternut squash ravioli, delicious goat cheese with the purple haze salad). maybe i'm just prejudiced against inland empire food, coming from the land of bay area foodtopia and knowing that i can sample excellent cuisine in pasadena/LA if i wanted to brave hours of traffic... but thus far, i have to say, i just haven't been so impressed by anything i've tried out here in the way of gourmand-fare. sigh...

anyway, the dancing... oh the dancing. despite my unsteadiness on heels, and my tendency to lead my partner... AND my wont to approach the routines like a drill sergeant... twas quite lovely. a great way to spend an hour an a half on a tuesday night. who can resist free salsa lessons?!

baby evan's first day at church, post-surgery... his eyes are too big for his face right now ;) but i'm sure he'll grow into them in no time

that's not right

was cramming with my psych review book tonight, and ran across a paragraph that read something like this... "patients with phobias often suffer from major social disabilities (e.g. failure to marry)"
...............................

failure to marry?! wtf???

in other news, a new sign of my old age... the delirium of sleep deprivation kicking in at the ludicrous hour of 11pm. but, as always on the nights before exams, my handy-dandy panic/survival instinct kicks in to completely overwhelm my body's desperate cries for sleep with a mental slap upside the head.

there's nothing a denny's run can't cure.

random thought of the week: north korea is obviously suffering from multiple psychiatric disorders... here's my attempt at a diagnosis.
Axis I: Bipolar d/o (disorder), type 1- most recent episode, manic (as evidenced by grandiosity, risk-taking, psychotic/aggressive behavior)
Axis II: Paranoid personality d/o, Antisocial personality d/o, Narcissistic personality d/o... ah hell, I'm throwing all the personality issues at it
Axis III: starvation
Axis IV: social/global isolation, low socioeconomic status, belligerent and crazy dictator
Axis V: 20

honesty and responsibility

those are two of the three principles of the addictions treatment program at the VA. i'm currently finishing up my "addictions week" part of the psych rotation, and... it's been pretty intense. mostly because i've been faced with a lot more honesty than i thought i could handle.. which is a pretty burdensome responsibility. let me explain... i've been learning about addictive behavior and the ways in which friends/family enable addicts, and i'm finding- disturbingly- that i can see some of the addictive/substance-abusive traits in MY circle of friends. and i worry, because now that i have some knowledge under my belt (just enough to make me dangerous, as my attending says), i wonder if i should take some action..... anyhoo, that's a whole 'nother can of worms. just suffice it to say, i don't know a lot of individuals with "HEALTHY" or non-worrisome drinking habits. For example, some of the warning flag alcohol questions include: do you ever have more than 5 drinks in one setting? have you ever had more than you intended? have you ever felt that you should cut back? when you go out to drink in a social setting, is the point to spend time with others or is the point to get drunk?

anyway. who am i to point fingers, right? but at the same time, who am i but a delinquent kind of friend if i don't point out habits/behaviors that could potentially or ARE currently causing problems for people? i dunno..................... but on the bright side, i've learned so much about how GOOD fellowship groups can function... from AA. i had to attend an AA meeting (which met BUTT early in the morning, btw), and was sooooooo surprised at what i found- despite huge numbers of people packed into a gymnasium, it was warm. friendly. supportive. like a family. and that's what i think the truest idea of a church would be. or small group.

sigh. in other news... time is running freakin out. so many deadlines in my head, so many exams coming up, and yet all i want to do when i come home is watch some fluffy tv, eat some good food, spend time with friends, and sleep. i'm seriously strugglin for productivity here. then again, what else is new? ;) some things never change.

like, whoaa....

dood. DOOD. my baby sister is graduating from high school tomorrow. what is going ON?! nevermind the fact that every weekend from here til august is packed with weddings... weddings of my PEERS. oh, and in four weeks, i'll be "officially" a FOURTH-year medical student. i'm currently researching residencies, and evaluating the differences between health insurance coverage and maternity leave allowances.

all this to say.......... HOLY TOLEDO, BATMAN!? when did I get so old???

in other news, i've shed the boot o' shame, as i've taken to calling it. nevermind that my appointment is on monday. if the doc tells me to put it back on, so be it.... but until then, i'm savoring my freedom.

oh and i've become re-fascinated with personality types. myers-briggs personality types, specifically. one of my attendings gave us a mini-lecture on how these different types can dictate communication styles, and how one should tailor one's bedside manner to these types. SO cool.... i plan on somehow utilizing this stuff in my practice. hey, i can always dream, right? hehe.. here's a short-hand online test for those of you who DON'T know what you are... for the record, i'm ENFJ.

i <3 psychobabble

today was my first day of psychiatry. i viewed this day with a great deal of trepidation, given that i am pretty much 90% sure that i want to go into family/psych.... but i was not disappointed. it's exciting, it's soooooo interesting, it's like being in my beloved psych classes all over again... i'm pretty stoked. at last..... i think i can make a decision about the rest of my life.

in other news, Loma Linda is freakin hot. already. cannot WAIT to see al gore's new movie, an inconvenient truth, so that i can confirm all of my global warming paranoid ideations.

and yet again, i have decided to throw myself into the hell that is the no-carb zone. south beach diet, here i come!!! i can already feel myself becoming insanely cranky and willing to literally steal lollipops from babies. but it's all for the greater good, right? who cares that i lose my soul in the process ;)