mental exhaustion

today, one of our more vocal psychotic manic ladies was muttering, "no feelings, no feelings! they don't allow you to have feelings in this place..." as i walked out the door. she was looking at the mirror and doing her little jerky dance of madness as she said it, but i felt like she was talking to me. but now, for a short while, i'd like to share some of the feelings that i normally have to suppress in order to get through the day.

inpatient psychiatry is... challenging. we see the sickest of the mentally ill, and it ain't pretty. most of the rules of medicine and inpatient care that i've learned last year and in med school don't apply. patients' histories and diagnoses are often a mystery. most of them DON'T want to be there, and tell you so- over, and over, and over again with varying degrees of hostility. they also don't want to take medications, which is usually what landed them in the hospital in the first place. so, as you can guess, patients who don't want to be there and don't want your stinking meds also aren't interested in building a therapeutic alliance, or in giving you more insight into their psyche. they just want out, and I'M the one standing in their way. how do they know this? because i'm the one who has to go to their court hearings and testify about how they're unable to take care of themselves because of their mental illness... which means that they need to stay longer and take those goshdarn meds. some of the patients have gotten past the anger and are just there, waiting, until we can find a place for them, which depends on funding and just how crazy they seem because i have yet to hear of a living facility for mentally ill that wants mentally ill patients... then there's the scariness of it all- potentially unpredictable, crazy patients who could lash out in violence. i've already gotten over the verbal lashings- my favorite printable name that i've been called thus far has been "psych witch".

so how do we get through all this? how do i cope... well, it helps that my time there is limited- only a few more months, then i'm done. it's really important to use my sense of humor- to chuckle when my previously very sick, manic psychotic lady calls her even more manic and psychotic roommate "nuts". to smile when the very scary stocky pacific-islander male patient who mumbles to himself and stares me down suddenly breaks into song and starts doing the hula to "pearly shells". i've heard that the friday night dance is pretty amusing- the recreational department turns on some hip hop and lets the patients get down with their bad selves. sugar is also a temporizing measure- my fellow resident stocked his desk with jelly beans, which never fail to uplift (briefly) on a tough day. and i talk it out- to my co-residents, my husband, to anyone who will listen... or read ;)

but it is tough, even if the hours aren't bad, because i feel so drained most days. forget about working out- i'm pretty happy if i put some dinner on the table and do a few loads of laundry. my reading selections from the library have gotten progressively fluffier. they say it gets easier, and it's certainly better now than it was the first week... so i continue to hope that things will get better- and not at the expense of my optimism/idealism.

.... and i'm spent.

that's enough uploading for the month.

my pet peeve of the week: people who expect respect because of a title. respect is earned, and is not correlated to the grouping of words (or letters) following your name. argh.

oh joy and happiness- love, LOVE our new FP/Psych interns. and ridiculously happy that betza has joined me on this long, crazy journey that is our 5-year residency. yay for great comrades-in-arms.

totally did NOT love my first week at our inpatient psych ward, but i'm slowly getting used to the barely organized chaos. one thing i'm not getting used to- teaching med students. you'd think this would come easily, after all i was JUST a med student, so i should know what was helpful and what was not. you know, like i used to tell myself when i was a kid that i would never be one of those adults that "didn't get" children because i would always always remember what it was like... but no. sigh... i may not be able to teach much, but at the least i'm hoping that they have a great experience with psychiatry, to encourage a little empathy for the extremely mentally ill.

alright, enough blogging. time to whip up some grub for the hubby, who's now on internal medicine (as a SENIOR, craaazy) and working late most days. and then, off to bed early to recover some hours of precious sleep lost last night while on call- *sigh*... only 4 more years of call to go :P

potpourri of pictorial randomness

you know the thing about waterproof cameras? you never finish them, so they stick around for ages and then when you finally develop them (if you develop them) the pics have this grainy, ancient look- BUT i had to share these pics of our honeymoon!! check out the turtle!!! ... yes, i'm very excited... as we kayaked around, there were turtles all over the place but i was so afraid we wouldn't get a nice underwater pic. anyhoo, i'm definitely looking forward to some more watersport fun on our next trip to hawaii, this october.

my bro graduated!! some pics from the happy event... i was retarded and left my digital camera behind, so these are from an old-fashioned disposable. what can i say, i have a soft spot for the old school.

rafting, moi??

i rafted down the american river the other week... and survived. this was an awesome opportunity set up by alvin for our housestaff- man, it was fun. it was seriously great to try something NEW and potentially risky, if for no other reason than to push my normally risk-averse boundaries a bit. my Michigan visor was sacrificed to the river gods, but in return i think i regained some of that ole adventurous spirit that i've been mourning this year.

here are some pics of the group, signing forms before the trip, then happily grouped together for a picnic lunch. also, joby and shomir picking wild blackberries for dessert.

ACTION PICS!!!

and the view from one of the quiet portions of the river.

summer shenanigans

despite weeks of neglect and intermittent guilty (over)watering... we have our first tomato.

and now, a pictorial spread of some of the reasons why i'm so surprised our tomatoes are growing... june and july have been busy months for us.

above, the oh family (jason and sharon) battling it out with air hockey (p.s. she won, 7-0)... and below that, the reason why we were fortunate enough to have a reunion- sharon and david's wedding!

andy was charged with creating the slideshow for his program's graduation, along with cathy- one of his classmates, pictured above previewing the slideshow anxiously before the guests all arrived. thankfully, the long nights of editing paid off and the slideshow went off without a hitch. and, the culmination of one year's work- andy's intern certificate. moonlighting, here we come!

this was a wonderful treat- tim, one of andy's attendings, invited us to an argentinian dinner, which was sponsored as a school fundraiser at someone's beautiful land park home. we had gourmet eats, watched a little argentinian tango demonstration, listened to good music, and enjoyed a lovely summer evening outside.

summer may never be the same again, now that it doesn't mean three months of blissful vacation, but thanks to friends and family... summer is still pretty darn great.