too much me

interview season is rough. particularly when you're at the interviews that really matter. can't sleep because i'm thinking of the thousands of words i said throughout the course of the day, and wishing that i'd just SHUT UP instead. they tell you "be yourself"- or rather, the best version of yourself. i'm tired of trying to be the best "me". because what if it's not enough? or worse... not really you?

one of the residents tried to "psychologize" me today... we were talking about family- younger siblings, specifically, and at some point she said, "so how does that make you feel?" i bristled immediately- internally, of course. i suppose that's part of the inherent risk of interviewing for a family-PSYCHIATRY combined residency, but.... yech. at LEAST have to decency to cover it up.

coolest work day EVER

i helped with health screenings for 250 homeless people today.
here are some pics of the san diego "winter shelter":

"M.A.S.H."-style triage center

mobile units with fully equipped patient rooms!

i'm at UCSD doing my 2 week elective aka 2 week interview... and i have to say, i am completely blown away by the combined residency's dedication to the underserved. free healthcare is not just a goal to which they aspire... it's part of the required curriculum. so. friggin. awesome.

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i'm staying with pastor richard, amy, christine and celes-tee for the 2 weeks, and thoroughly enjoying it so far. i'm sharing a bathroom with the girls (think bath toys and baby clothing strewn in their wake), and my bedroom also doubles as the "office" aka girls' tv room. it's so amazing to think that i held both of these girls when they were just adorable lumps of cuteness... and now here they are, sentient small human beings who can communicate verbally. sigh.. how time does fly. life is just more interesting with them around... christine smuggled my contact lens case in her backpack (along with her father's cell phone and an extra pair of pants), while celeste wandered off with my glasses today (which prompted a short-lived but highly anxious search). and nearly every evening, something pops out of their mouths that sounds like it should float over their heads in a cartoon bubble, with a caption that says "kids say the darnedest things!". yesterday, celeste looked at me while me and her parents were laughing about something, and said, "mom and dad are siwwy" (L's and R's are a little tough right now). i just about swooned.

grrr..

sometimes, i'm flat-out appalled at the lack of compassion that i see in my profession. i guess in medicine, you kinda see the worst and best sides of people. as patients, and as medical professionals.

i had a neuro consult yesterday for some gentleman in the ED with "seizures". long story short, they weren't epileptic or "real" seizures- they were pseudoseizures. but for the patient, they were no less debilitating than the real thing. he was super depressed (and i mean CLINICALLY, by the friggin DSM-IV criteria depressed), and angry at the nurses and residents who were disregarding nearly everything he said because they believed he was "faking it". my senior resident was curt and abrupt with him, mainly because she had been told beforehand by the ER resident that the consult was more of a legal formality than anything else (i.e. she was totally biased against believing anything the patient said). one of the nurses, to whom i tried to explain the concept of pseudoseizures as a somatoform disorder- basically that he WASN'T doing it on purpose, said something like, "you know, he should be admitted just so he can sit around for 30 days in the hospital. we should do something PAINFUL to him." the ER resident made a comment to the effect of, "next time i want a break from my wife, i think i'll have a seizure." i was sooo... sooooooo.... sad. and pissed. i've starting thinking of these "psych" patients as my own personal outreach population.... these are exactly the kinds of people i want to treat, because NOONE else seems to understand them or want anything to do with them. i spent a good 15-20 minutes trying to explain to the patient that noone was going to do anything for him at that time, and that he really needed to see a psychiatrist; i took the time because i knew noone else would.

part of my self-righteous anger came from the admittedly unjustified arrogance i carry around with me as someone interested in psychiatry. i have seen malingerers. and this patient really, really did not strike me as someone who was malingering. so how crappy would it be to be in pain, having these seizures twice a day, and to be completely ignored or marginalized when you try to get help? how infuriating would it be if this was a loved one? it frustrates the heck outta me when people dismiss a psychiatric/somatization issue as "not real".

i truly believe that the mentally ill are among the most underserved populations. they walk our streets as homeless vagrants, and clog up our ERs because they don't have anywhere else to go. to me, these people are "the least of these, my brethren."

surviving friday the 13th...

i am a fraidy cat. no, really. i can't stand horror films- i don't watch them as a rule, and can list the ones i have watched on one hand. i can barely watch lost at night, EVEN with andy around. i have no desire to go to knott's scary farm, or other attractions of that ilk. i understand the draw, or at least i think i can... the adrenaline rush, the subsequent pseudo-euphoria of "surviving", whatever. it's just that scaring the bejeebers outta myself is not really what i would choose for entertainment, or fun.

anyhow, all this because halloween is coming up, and i realize that i'm still a little afraid of halloween. might be the adventist indoctrination (halloween = holiday celebrating the occult and therefore to be avoided at all costs), or just the wuss in me, but for whatever reason... despite the glorious abundance of chocolate goodies that it entails, i'm just not down with oct 31st.

. . .

and now, some pictorial non sequitur(s)....







hollywood bowl, final weekend of the summer and the second to last concert with john mauceri at the helm. one of the best things to do in LA, imho.










baby evan, at church with my parents recently. he's looking so much better... gaining weight, strength, attitude... hehehe

Grammy for Best Vaporpop Album

Duck: wow. this is so amazing, and so unexpected... *squeal/sob* well, first and foremost i'd like to acknowledge and thank my partner in crime, my friend MANBO who couldn't join us tonight- she's overseas on location for her next film, but she's, like, TOTALLY here in spirit. i'd also like to thank Richie "Beefcake" Kim for producing our first record- Beefy, you inspired us to be the rockstars we knew we could become. We love you!! and of course thank you to the academy, to all of our fans, our wonderful supportive family, friends, lawyers, agents and make-up artists who never stopped believing in us... that is, except for you, Suzie... and our parents... and most of our close friends, but we forgive you!! and -- huh? no i'm not done yet. wha? do i get orchestral background music???! kewl... oh no no, wait... i'm not done thanking people!!! stop the music!!!!! nOOOoooooo..........

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vaporpop... as in, vaporware \VAY-per-wair\ noun

: a computer-related product that has been widely advertised but has not and may never become available

31 to zip... go cardinal?!?!

andy and i went to the stanford-ucla game at the rose bowl last saturday night... it was a total rout, and half the time i was fearing for my life as we were seated in the heart of bruin territory up in the nosebleeds... but it was pretty awesome to be at a college football game again.

in case you were wondering, he didn't wear blue to be ornery and traitorous to his gf's alma mater... we were planning on buying a stanford sweatshirt at steve&barry's before the game, but were obviously thwarted. i just realized i have very little in the way of school-spirited clothing...... no red anything! must remedy situation.......... though it's not like i'll have another bowl game to worry about anytime soon. :P

ah well. guess i'll be rooting for michigan this year, as my school has left me with very little to root for. GO BLUE! ;)

discovered another yummy option in old town pasadena: le pain quotidien. fresh and healthy options that don't make you regret choosing food that's good for you.

yaaaaaaaaay

i looooooooove fourth year. love, love, love it. yes, in the "i-wanna-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-which-i-hope-is-a-very-long-time-with-you" sense. tomorrow, after a brief hour of grand rounds (lecture), i'm done for the day. DONE. and the day after that, i'll be done by 2:30pm. i barely know what to do with myself. shall i pick up new hobbies like mountain biking or scrapbooking, or shall i revive my old hobbies like rollerblading or crocheting? shall i concern myself with household chores, like putting away the clean laundry that has been sitting in hampers for a month? shall i get a carwash to wipe away the months of grime that have accumulated on my poor used-to-be-charcoal-grey-now-dun-colored ride? ahhh... so much to do, and so much time. fourth year rocks.

It is Finished

=

Marathon

+

Rampant, Glorious & Guiltless Senioritis

under pressure

my test (step 2 ck) is coming up, this friday the 15th. please pray for me.

but in happier news, i met the parents. yep. andy's parents. they just left for michigan again yesterday, actually. and out of the 7 nights they were here, i ate dinner with them for 6.

i survived, by the grace of God. ;)

the training for the 10K is going in fits and starts, but i'm hoping to get my runs in more regularly after the test.

i cannot wait until i finish my tests and turn in my applications. i am going to ENJOY this senior year thoroughly and audaciously. cuz, ya know what? i think i've earned it.

time flies..

i can't believe it... one month passed by so quickly. and yet, so slowly. funny how paradoxical one's time perception can be. anyhoo, it's quite quite quite good to be home. as much as i'd like to think of myself as a freedom-lovin' jetsetter... as they say, home is where the heart is, and it's not very fun to be away from one's heart for too long.

so, thought i'd do a brief overview of my UCDavis/Sacto memories:
1. visiting younch & richie for tea at samovar, then dinner/dessert/dancing in the castro all in the name of meeting younch's "new" bf (he passed the initial tests ;) )... followed by brunch at cafe brioche with julip&sam ... man, i wish i coulda spent more time in the bay area :(
2. for the record, i was there on what was essentially a month-long interview for the family/psychiatry combined residency program. the outcome? well, i guess i'll only know in march when i figure out of they ranked me or not, but .... i'm pretty happy with the feedback i received. let's leave it at that. ;)
3. discovered my new favorite comfort drink: bowl of soul at tupelo/the naked lounge... chamomile tea, soy milk, honey, and foam topped with cinnamon. soooo tasty.
4. (almost) completely exhausted my list of "dvds to see" with a monthly pass at hollywood video, which included: brick, tsotsi, mad hot ballroom, nanny mcphee, failure to launch, sarah silverman: jesus is magic, akeelah and the bee, water ... holy crap, i definitely milked that pass for all it was worth.
5. window-shopped my little heart out at the regional outlets in folsom and vacaville; not much to actually BUY, but plenty to think about buying ;)
6. got served my first meal at a korean restaurant by a non-korean. i wouldn't recommend it. at least, not if you're as snobby as i am (i.e. care if the waiter thinks you ordered kimchi-jigae vs. dwenjang-jigae because he doesn't speak korean)
7. marvelled many times at the folly of men (especially one) who think they're attractive... or at least attractive enough to have a chance with a truly attractive woman (my roomie), when they are actually quite repellant and/or 50+ years old
8. visited 3 different churches, heard pastor doug batchelor at one of 'em, but didn't get a SINGLE potluck lunch... odd, odd month. ;)