REAL scutmonkey dreams

scutmonkeys don't dream of rockstardom. or at least, this scutmonkey does not. not on medicine months. no, this past month, i dreamt of scut.

i've been at the VA, caring for our veterans and generally not caring about anything else. it's consuming. i'd wake up before my alarm at ~4:30-5am in a blind panic, having just had a nightmare about an unsigned order or missing a "panic value" in a lab, etc... i'd go to sleep thinking about how early i'd have to get there the next morning and running through all the things that i'd need to check up on, or all the things that may have been happening to my patients. i know they say that most medicine folks have some OCPD traits, but sometimes i wonder HOW that could possibly be a good fit-> it's an anxiety-provoking profession to start with, so is it really a good idea to have anxious people in it??! sigh.

so now, i sit here at a coffee shop and have the time to type away at something other than CPRS. actually, CPRS is also up- typing off service notes. it never ends. ANYWAY- the point is, i'm slowing peeling off the tentacles of the VA, one by one. it's the emotional suckers that will be the hardest to rip off. gosh, but i do really enjoy this population sometimes- the nicest old guys you'll meet. sure, i had my share of mean meth-using alcoholics, but by and large the veterans are very appreciative and, i suspect, particularly nice to me as a young Asian-American woman.. i try not to think of the memories of "native" women-past that i might evoke, but i'm not above using it to develop a rapport of sorts ;) and i have to say, working at a hospital where people know my name is ... kinda nice. i like the community feel, though believe me i cursed it plenty over the weekends when i would give my left foot for an ultrasound tech or MRI or radiologist to read said unobtainable MRIs or ultrasounds. i've had such an array of experiences here, and right now they're jostling about in my head fighting for attention... so i'll just have to let them out one by one over time.

instead, i shall describe one of my proudest non-medicine accomplishments this past month... i got myself a library card. YAY!!! in a moment of shiny optimism, i borrowed a bunch of books on my day off and started reading... i've never finished a book so slowly in my life, but i guess that's what happens when you have to read snatches of a chapter in the brief moments of lucidity before passing out at night. so, i'm 1 of 4 and very hopeful going into my sports medicine rotation that i'll make some good progress with my "must read" list. thinking back, i guess i was inspired by shomir, my "co-intern" for the month who recommended "the kite runner". he tossed me the book one day, and i DEVOURED it. this was earlier this month when the patient census was decent (as opposed to the indecent wreck i left). and then i just had to keep reading, because i missed it so much. now if only i could feel the same away about, say, THE GYM. ;)